~PsALm 139~

2003-11-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

I realised that I haven't blogged in an ultra long time...Almost a month!!! Wow!!! That's amazing...But now, I think there are other things online screaming for attention...Friendster, for example. My goodness. Those scheming people sure know how to invent stuff to make you stay online for hours...But hmm...it's really slow, for one thing...And I'm using cable. But it sure is exciting getting connected and realising how the whole world is connected! Wow!

Anyway, my exams are almost over, 'cept for the prac crit paper on Thursday. So for now, I'm pretty much slacking, though I'm hoping that I'll have the mood to sit through another 3 hours on Thursday. But wow, how time has flown by. Well, now that it's all almost over, here's a post-mortem of the exams...

For starters, I just want to thank God for being such a strong presence in my life all through the exams. Before the papers even started, He granted me tremendous peace for a good night's rest every night. (Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) Thank you Lord, for that peace that transcends all understanding! :)

The papers, I wouldn't say went extremely well. On the contrary, many papers were really bad. One such paper was the first lit paper I sat for. I cannot imagine a worst paper. I wouldn't exactly say that it was really bad, but I had a HUGE mental block, and I just say there writing and crumpling the paper up, writing and cancelling. It was horrible, and I remember so clearly my brain telling me to give up since I wouldn't be able to do well anyway, no matter what I wrote. But once again, I thank God for allowing me to persevere through it, and just finish it up. And it's all in the mighty arm of the Lord. Pass, fail, do well or not, no worries. Thank you Lord anyhow. And right now, right here, I say, that if I get anything more than a C for lit (after getting Cs and Ds all through the year...) it is nothing but God's grace. Of course, it's not to say that if I do worse, His grace is absent in my life...But yeah. Thank you Lord.

Talking about mental block, GP was another killer. Because of that mental block. Don't know what's with me and writing papers. I just blanked out. Didn't know what to write. But all through the paper, I remember that I was praying and praying, asking God to calm me down, and allow my pen to flow. I finished the essay in 40 minutes. How I did? I don't know.

Here I write, just to remind myself that God is good and has been all through the exams. I'm not expecting 4 As, all I want is that I have a good attitude towards whatever results I get. This is not preparation for the worse. This is faith, believing that God will grant me the results to take me wherever He has His plans and purpose for me. If I do much worse than expected, then may I praise and glorify His wonderful name as always. If I do much better than expected, then may I be humble and sensitive towards those who might not have done as well, and remember that foolish am I, but it is by God's strength and grace that I am made wise.

2003-11-01T19:16:00.000+08:00

For you. Thank you for being the little blonde boy.

A mimosa plant, I shy away when touched - instinctively. The dull green leaves that blend into the grassfield close into themselves, covering her face, hiding her from sight.

Is it safe? When will it be? The leaves unfold slightly, slowly, unsurely, until the attractive burst of pink is revealed. Her face smiles into the life-giving sunshine and she basks in its warmth and enjoys the moment, every bit of it.

Why give up any of this? why can't she be able to savour every second of the magical moment? A finger brushed across. She took refuge in the darkness of her soul. The icy cold tears flowed through the roots of her forlorn heart. She remained - unmoving.

The world around her was still. The children playing in the fields had gone. Their laughter was now replaced by the soft, sinister call of the wind. She shivered. She was alone again. Her thoughts screamed out at her and tormented her. She ached. In silence.

Her leaves felt limp. She was tired. She did not feel like having the sun shine into her face again. Yet, she knew she had to. That little boy - the one with the blonde hair that glowed a halo in the sun - he came to see her pretty flower every day. But each time, she disappointed him and made him sad when he bent over to gently stroke her.

"Little boy, little boy, I don't mean to make you sad. I don't mean to hurt you so. It's not fair that I shun away from your affections when all you've tried to do is love me and have done no wrong." Another icy cold tear rolled off her face. She never meant to be the cold, heartless plant she was. She wanted to be that bright cheerful sunflower who always shone in the rays of the sun, or the passionate velvet red rose who stood tall and confident in her beauty.

She sighed. Alas, she was merely the dull green weed, the world oblivious to her existence. "Little boy, if you might come back some day, oh, how I wish I need never have to hide my face from you...never again."

2003-10-21T20:46:00.000+08:00

Studying has been crappy. I've been slacking quite a bit, discouraged almost to the max, not knowing how to move forward, can't bear to take a step backward to try to revise what I've already done before a billion times. I felt so stuck. But God has been good to me. He's given me a pillar of support, his warm hug when I needed it, a sweet word of encouragement, a physical presence.

But most of all, He's answered a prayer. A half-choking prayer as I cried out for help. Desperate. Stuck in a moment I could not get out of. I have been so down and out especially with Econs...It's my worst exam so far, and my last shot, and screwing it up sure wasn't fun. Just when I was about to just let things be, and do whatever I can (which isn't much...), someone handed me a TYS with model answers. I had been struggling with writing Econs essays and how to word them, what to include, and this was truly a gift from heaven. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me, it means a whole lot and I know O Lord, You are here, watching out for me. Thank You, Heavenly Father.

2003-10-16T23:06:00.000+08:00

Ahhh. A night under the stars. A special night it was. There wasn't that funny fuzzy feeling (okay, perhaps there was, from the alcohol), no heart throb romance, no out of the world experience. But I like it that way. It was just the two of us, on his birthday, nothing else.

Dinner marked the start of the birthday celebration, with an extremely satisfying meal at Fish & Co. with his favourite CaLaMaRi...And plain ole fish and chips for us each of us. My goodness, the portion was humongous (is that how you spell it...?!) and I left lots of chips behind...Heh...

Then it was pubbing again for Eunice. Haha. At the nice cosy casual happy place - Harry's! Yupyup...He ordered a Blue Lagoon (though he was debating on Sex On The Beach or Screaming Orgasm for the hell of the names *rolls eyes*) and me, a Sangria (a cocktail with red wine, vodka and fruit juice...mixture contents, with compliment from my company for the evening...). It was that nice cosy casual happy place I gave him his gifts, and made him blow out a little candle on a cheesecake. :)

We took pictures. All over the place. Hehe. And we sat down by the riverside for a while...And just sat there, close by. And it was such a nice feeling. We're both not the world's most romantic people, and don't do all that silly mushy stuff, so when we say stuff, we mean it. :) And it was just that simple. Just being there by each other. It made all that difference to a normal stuffy night.

And now, the night has gone by, just like that. Happy birthday my dear. I really hope you enjoyed your birthday today.

2003-10-12T20:54:00.000+08:00

At a high? I hope not. I don't want it to just be a high. I don't want a roller coaster ride. I don't want mood swings. But of late, I think I've learnt a lot. I've learnt to appreciate him a lot more, to love him a lot more, to love him a lot more for who he is. And he's been trying really hard to satisfy me by improving on the little petty quirks that irked me. Looking back, I wouldn't say I regret picking out those bits in him because in the process, the both of us have learnt a lot. He will always be something that others are not. He will always have those little habits, the little mannerisms that I wouldn't be entirely happy with. Sure, there are guys out there who are a much better catch, I won't deny. But they are not the catch for me at least. Some look at him and think he's not good enough for me. Hey, who are you to judge. He's every bit human, every bit lovable, and I chose him. He may not write sweet nothings to me, he may not be that saccharin sweet honeybumkin that melts girls' hearts with his gentleness and thoughtfulness, but he's not bad. He is who he is. And learning more about him makes me love him more each day. What made me write this? I guess of late, he's been a real sweetheart. We prayed together over the phone, first for him and his parents, then for me and my results and stuff. And today, he gave me a little windchime he made and to me, it is the sweetest thing ever! Thank you my dear. I'm not saying that our relationship is from everlasting to everlasting. I'm not promising we will end up together forever. All I know, is that I will love you to the best of my ability, by God's grace. Thank you for doing the same with me.

2003-10-09T21:26:00.000+08:00

I think it still hasn't sunk into me yet. Maybe it's because we're still having lectures and stuff. I don't know. But today marks a significant point in my life. Farewell assembly. Goodbye school. Goodbye class. Hello A Levels.

My teacher is so sentimental. She's so sweet! :) We had our last Civics lesson today, and she got us all a piece of a jigsaw puzzle, a genuinely sincere note written at the back. Then we threw a ball of red yarn around as we talked about each others' good points, and got all tangled up. And we each got our bit of string, symbolising our blood ties. Ha. It was nice. She really is a sweet little thing. We were all commenting on how lucky her new husband is, probably getting all sorts of sweet romantic surprises and stuff... :)

But it all feels so mechanical. Going through the motions of farewell assembly. Writing about it now. I still can't believe it's all over. Just like that. Tears? Where are they? I remember at my Sec 4 farewell assembly, it felt mechanical too. I was sad, but tears just can't flow. Think my tear ducts are dry at the wrong time. Maybe I'm just insensitive. *Shrugs*

Taking photos today was simply fantastic though. I almost cleared a whole roll of film. I just took with almost everyone! A guy I took with...He's a good friend of mine, a confidante. He was so sweet...After we took a photo together, and we said our goodbyes, he had a saddish look on his face and said 'take care' as though I would never see him again. Sentimentality for you. But yeah, he's like a sweet lil bro to me... :)

There were people taking photos with cute guys and stuff...I guess at the end of it all, there's no harm in being a little more thick skinned and approaching those hotties in the school and taking photos for remembrance, though I wouldn't say it's my cup of tea. :P

I really don't know what this entry is for. Probably just a record. A mechanical record. It still hasn't sunk in.

2003-10-07T21:47:00.000+08:00

Ramblings of a teenager for

Eternity and eternity.

Sad, sorry tears

Under that quiet facade

Let loose. Let them flow!

Teardrops.

Sad, sorry tears.

Sighs. I'm so tired. So, so tired. I need a bout of endorphin, that my friend says comes from jogging. But my treadmill died on me again. After having been repaired, raised my hopes, and used by my mom and dad for just less than half an hour. It must have happened on purpose. Sighs.

Lord, you are my strength. You are my hope. I will praise you all the days of my life. I will praise you today.

"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is any one happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven." - James 5:13-15

2003-10-05T21:10:00.000+08:00

Reinhard Bonnke. Remember the name. An amazing man, yet his humility melts my heart. A big man with a big laugh. He heals the sick, shares the powerful gospel message all over the world, specially loves that country of Africa, and no matter what he does, he attributes it to Jesus, the Saviour of his soul. Hallelujah.

His transformation could be what is termed 'from zero to hero'...Truly, God uses all kinds of people and empowers them to be people so full fire and passion for people. I've always wondered if I were a 'zero' that God could use. I suppose He would, in His way, but sometimes I admire people of such tremendous faith. Today, when Amanda was a little late, she said something that got me thinking. "It's up to God to get us to church on time now..." And when she said that, I asked that God would bless that little prayer, that little prayer of faith and I prayed so hard He give me the faith for something so small. He did get us there on time. But I struggled so hard for such a small prayer. I can't imagine how others have so much faith, like the Bible says figuratively, faith that can move mountains.

Wow. I've also always heard of people healed of sickness, diseases, disabilities. It is amazing just listening to these stories, how at Reinhard Bonnke's crusades, people in wheelchairs rise up, the blind see, the deaf hear. It sounds like a page out of a fantasy book. But Jesus Christ is not just some wizard or magician that waves his magic wand or cooks up some brew. He is the Saviour of our souls. Wow. And I know that there are so many skeptics out there. My brother is one of them. Today, I felt so broken, thinking of how my brother commented healing sessions at church were all "in the mind". What had happened? What would God have to do to make him believe? I know that at times I am skeptical as well, and don't blame him. But such things REALLY do happen and he is so full of bitterness that it cuts so deep within me. God, be merciful. I know that you can soften the hardest heart and heal the most broken soul.

Watching Part I of Bonnke's life story on video, I was also very moved by the relationship between his wife and himself. You know, it always seems like such people were always so sure of their partners at the moment, because they are so sure of God's will for them. Praise God for that. Somehow, I have been moved not only to keep praying for God's will for my choice spouse, but for now, that I will pray not just for my relationship with Dan, but learn to pray for Dan as a person, that God work in his life so miraculously, that God bless his life so richly. There is still a need to pray for the relationship, but the person is equally, if not, more important.

Today's worship consisted of songs about how the whole earth praises the Lord, the trees of the forest, the birds of the sky, all creation, and all the heavens, the angels...I don't know why, but my heart ached so bad. Lord, if all creation sings praise to you, then why not my brother? When will it be that every tongue confess that you are Lord? Lord, I stand in the gap and pray and intercede. Mercy, we cry out, "Mercy!"

--Random thoughts as they come--

2003-10-03T21:54:00.000+08:00

Anguish. The anguished teenager of today. I fall short of it. I thought my life was warped. There are worse. I've always known that. Not that I have been dwelling on my misfortunes. But someone close. It always hurts more when it's someone close. Imagine if I had lost her. Just imagine. Yet I had not been there to share it with her. Busy. We were all busy. It's sad. Too busy to share her ups, more importantly, her downs. So today it all tumbled out. The pain built up inside. It pierced the insides of my soul. But I could not say a word. Anything would have sounded flippant. I'm sure she's heard it all. I kept silent all this while. Listened. Heart torn up inside. Yet, only a tear or two rolled down my cheek. I felt like a splint, burning red, yet not flaming up. Quiet. Emotions raging within. Yet dumb on the outside. Life. Fair? Unfair? Merely different lives we live. God is good. She knows. She testifies. Proclaims of His goodness. Truly, the character of Job. Yet she survives. She is a survivor. As she goes through the School of Pain and Suffering, she will graduate. God bless her. My dear friend. This is a tribute to you.

2003-09-28T20:40:00.000+08:00

I went over to his place yesterday. Ooh, I always love his place. The nice little garden, the sweetest, most lovable dog in the world, the cosy old TV room and of course, the folks. Always feel so nice and happy when I'm around and everyone's so nice.

Anyway...Ahhh...Life after the prelims. I don't know what I'm doing here either. Just had to update I guess. Having one week break from school...Wonder if I'll have the will power to re-start that studying. Hmmm... :)

2003-09-24T20:55:00.000+08:00

Entry specially dedicated to Keeroo dearest:

(Also a PC...haha)

Anyway, yup, my dear, thank you so much for caring enough about what goes on in my life. Your gesture has touched me immensely and the effort that went into recreating my dream has moved me beyond your wildest dream (note: your wildest dream, not mine...haha)

After thoughtfully reading and re-reading, and typing out the piece, I could not help but feel sadder and sadder each time. If only that was how he felt. If only there was more to what goes on in that head of his. If only. Each time I tell myself, maybe it isn't what it seems. And I can only keep telling myself that.

But this was a reminder. That there is always another side to things. And that both parties can feel the same hurt and yet hold it back in quiet agony.

Sighs. Don't really wish to say more. But yup, Keeroo darling, thank you! Like David, it's made me feel so loved (yes, despite the merrr-lan-ko-lic-ness of it all...) *HuGzZz* :)

2003-09-24T20:43:00.000+08:00

A re-creative piece by my dear friend Keeroo:

"Wait here a second," he said as he rushed up the spiral staircase and disappeared from view. He glanced back over his shoulder to catch a fleeting glimpse of her, but she was gone. Panic seized him, until the crowd parted: she ahd been momentarily hidden from view by the mob, swallowed up in the sea of people. He paused, watched her. 'Funny, isn't it: All these people here, in all their colourful robes, all the attractive ethnic wear, and still she's the only person who can really catch my eyes.' He turned, preparing to descend the stairs and go back to her when someone reached out and grabbed his sleeve.

"It's about time you got here! Come on, there's a place we can talk!" and the newcomer dragged him off without waiting for a reply, ignoring his half stuttered protests. Resigned, he glanced back again. There she was, waiting so patiently in a quiet corner. He called out to her, mentally willing her to hear him, but his cry was drowned by the ocean of voices that had blanketed the lobby.

At the end of the corridor, he saw a group of his old friends. They welcomed him warmly, and for a few, brief moments, he gave his attention them, allowing himself the luxury of forgeting the turmoil that was knotting him up inside. Suddenly, someone nudged him in the arm and asked coyly, "So...where's this girl you're always talking about? Is she here tonight? Are we going to meet her yet?" He was tongue-tied and flush of red crept slowly up his neck, sparing not even his ears. A loud burst of laughter greeted this. "Aw...Look! He's blushing! She must be really special to him!" Not wanting to admit he glanced away. Immediately he was arrested by the sight of her. She had come to look for him! His heart swelled within him, and he could not prevent a wide, happy grin from breakingo ut on his face. He watched her, wondering how such a wonderful setting - the pretty landscaped garden, the cheerful gurgling of the fountain, the wide evening sky tinged with a vast array of golds, pinks and reds, truly one of God's creations - could pale in comparison with her pale beauty.

As soon as was possible, he excused himself from his group of friends, and walked towards her. Doubt assaulted him as he studied her. What if she wasn't here from him? The view that was the subject of her close appraisal seemed far more worthy of this beautiful girl's interest than he. Fighting the despair that was threatening to overtake him, he plastered a brittle smile on his face, and beckoned her over. She came over, although it seemed reluctant to him. No matter, the despair that engulfed his heart was overcome by the mere sight of her approaching him, and though his heart ached, his smile, the one that inevitably played across his face even as he so much as thought of her broke out. As she drew nearer, the strange, bitter look on her face startled him, confirming his impression that she was resentful of him having disturbed her reverie.

He put his arm around her, heart soaring when she made no sound of dissent. Still heartsore at her strange, unkind manner, he did not trust himself to speak and looked straight ahead, unblinkingly, praying that the tears that threatened would not in fact roll down his cheeks. Though they remained unshed, each one pierced through his heart.

2003-09-23T12:53:00.000+08:00

Him.

That boyish-ness
I smile recalling
Your smile
Tears
Me apart
Tears flow
You don't know
I don't either
Split personality

Just feeling thoughtful. Such are complicating matters and quite baffle and scare me. Couldn't get to sleep last night, and as I was crying out to the Lord, He soothed me by filling my head with words, and words He did fill as I thought out a poem. And somehow, after the poem was complete, He put me to sleep. :) Thank you Lord.

Okay, now that that's done, I can get on with Saturday and Sunday's experiences!

I haven't been spending much time in prayer, merely rushing through the daily devotion each day, uttering a short prayer and getting on with my life. On Saturday, I felt all broken, and went down on my knees to pray. Thank you Lord, for touching my heart once again, for renewing that love for You, and for reminding me of Your love for me.

I know I can never write justly about what God has done, but truly, He has blessed me richly, just by His presence that Saturday, and on Sunday. Service was good, for once in a long while, I was able to sit myself down, just worship the Lord freely and He moved me to tears by His goodness, how He, a Mighty King would come and reign in a filthy old me.

Then, the mission trippers shared! Haha. David was real funny. I spotted a few of those mannerisms in Daniel. Brothers. Ha. Anyway, I was once again reminded of how God has placed in me some sort of heart for missions. Dark, curly-haired, and not-Chinese-looking, I've always wondered if He had a plan for me to go to those nations and be one of them. I always will remember a story I heard as a 5 or 6 year old, that there was this girl born in a western country, who was always so upset cos she didn't have the blue eyes or blonde hair that her friends had. But God had greater plans! He made her His missionary to some Asian state. Though I can't remember the details now, I have always felt it might apply to me as well!! Hehe...

Yupyup, so Lord God, I place my life into Your sovereign hands. Open the doors. Show me Your way. :) :)

2003-09-19T13:59:00.000+08:00

Wow. I haven't written in a long, long time. Firstly, the exams have been bugging me. And secondly, there really isn't anything much to write about the exams. My philosophy about them is that once they're over, they're over. Even my parents are quite amused that everytime I come back and they ask me how my papers went, I'd just say, "Liddat lor..." Haha.

It's the end of the week! *Huge sigh of relief* I've just got four more days of the prelims to go!! Woohoo!! i'm so excited...I'm going to have one week to play...That is, whilst the smart buggers are having their 'S' papers...*Evil laughter*

Okok, let's not get side-tracked. I resolved to write here in my lil online diary (note oxymoron), to remember stuff, especially things I want to thank God for, so that years down, I will not say that He is unreal in my life. I really want to thank God that throughout the whole of the week, He has blessed me with a relative sense of calmness all through, and I must say that I felt His presence especially strongly today, as He allowed "(t)he squat pen (to) rest" in my hands, and to just write.

Literature has never been my forte. Even though secondary school lit seemed so enjoyable and so easy to score with the teachers, I realised the much much much higher expectations in JC lit, and I really never think that I will be able to do well. But seriously, I must say that the thoughts have been allowed to flow through my essays. I know I won't pass with flying colours, but I just want to thank the Lord that He has given me the ability to just sit through the paper with clarity of thought, and content.

Yup, now all that's left is Human Geog (another of my weak subjects, *sigh*), Maths (with the horrible statistics which I shall attempt to revise after this...), Lit Paper 8 (practical criticism...) and Econs MCQ and DRQ!! Ahhh!! I simply can't wait for Thursday. Muahaha. But yup, Eunice, calm down now. This is only the prelims! *Gasps*

2003-09-12T10:14:00.000+08:00

That thin line exists. Between the fog in a dream and the gloom in the weather today...

----

"Wait here a second," he said, as he rushed up the spiral staircase and disappeared from view. She felt lost in the seas of people who had gathered to attend the meeting. The colourful robes they had on, the various ethnic wear. It all felt so alien to her. She stood in a corner, lost.

Where had he gone? She didn't know. She felt claustrophobic. The crowd was closing in on her. The loud chattering, the rushing about, the noise. She closed her eyes and tried to shut it all out. She stood in a corner, lost.

The people started to flock into the meeting. She began to feel anxious. Desperate. Desperate for him to come back to her side and be with her. She ran. Ran up the spiral staircase. Ignoring the same colourful robes, the seas of loud chattering and noise, she ran up the spiral staircase where he had disappeared. "Where are you?"

She ran down the long aisle in search of him. It was a pretty corridor, brightly lit, with the happy gurgling of little fountains, with pretty landscaped gardens, but she was oblivious to it all. All she wanted to do was find him. What had happened to him?

A loud burst of laughter called her attention to the end of the corridor. He was there! With a group of people she had never seen before. The look on his face told her that he had forgotten about her. He clearly had found much better company. Broken, she turned away, tears streaming down her face. She passed the happy gurgling of the little fountains, the pretty landscaped gardens, oblivious to it all.

After what seemed like billions of seconds, he finally remembered her. He beckoned her over and obediently, she went to his side. Her face was downcast, her cheeks still tear-stained. But as she approached, he beamed, that usual beam, the one that made her ache so much inside. "And you claim to be a SNAG," bitterly she thought. "Don't I matter one bit to you? Don't you care?"

He put his arm around her and looked straight ahead. He did not see the tears that rolled off her cheeks. More importantly, he did not see the tears that pierced her heart.

----

2003-09-07T20:40:00.000+08:00

I had one of the most exciting and eventful nights for a long long long long time, and it's all thanks to my darling cousin. Haha. :)

After studying day after day, hour after hour at our favourite haunt, we could take it no longer. We had to break free from the monotony of it all! She was tempted to watch a late-night movie because her friend was watching one, but we felt there were no good shows to watch. In the end, we secretly went to Harry's, the bar at the Esplanade!

Hahaa...It was so funny. We first went to my house so I could get changed and go out all nice-smelling, then we went over to her place so she could freshen up as well. And after anxious anticipation, we were finally on a bus, feeling all havoc and wild.

Just for records, we had a HUGE, I mean HUUUUUUGE bowl of Chilli Nachos for supper, she had a cocktail known as 'Standing Ovation', something with Absolut Kurrant and vanilla ice-cream with it, whilst I had a Tequilla Sunrise. Daniel always spoke about how he could separate the colours real well in a Tequilla Sunrise, but mine kinda looked like a sunset. Hmm.

But it was so fun!! Hahaha...We just sat there, feeling so grown up (hey, we're of age okay, though erm, it would have been embarassing to take out our EZLink Cards as ID) and just talking the entire night away...Yay! So fun so fun...Muahahaha...

2003-09-04T17:22:00.000+08:00

Haha. How apt. The GP essay topic I picked today was "Can a weblog ever truly replace a personal diary?" The moment I came to Question 10 on the question paper, I grinned and wanted to look across to my friend, Amanda. I knew she would do it too! :)

Anyway, my stand was that a blog cannot truly replace a personal diary, and was going on and on about how I prefer my own scribbles to the Arial font, size ten, how I prefer ripping out tear-stained pages out of my diary, so a scar would always be left behind, than to delete the entry out of my blog and my life forever, and how I prefer sticking stuff like sweet wrappers from secret crushes in my diary, than to upload pictures on to my blog.

And ha. The irony of it all. I own a blog. But I must say that if I had the time, and the patience, I would write in my personal diary more than anything. After all, it is a personal diary. Oh wells, am just glad GP is over. Now, the holidays are come, and I must get down to work. Solid work. Sighs!

2003-08-31T21:23:00.000+08:00

I write to remember, and write this I must, because it shows of God's wonderful goodness, and how He listens to prayers and answers them, oh so faithfully and lovingly. My best friend's father accepted Christ. I can do no justice to the amount of joy that went into the phone call when she rang me up.

Tears flowed as the overwhelming sense of peace and gladness filled up in her heart. She had just gone on a fast and prayer session, and even as her dad was found to have a tumour in his stomach, she trusted the Lord. When the tumour was removed, she praised Him. And now, as he boldly professes of his faith, she rejoices, like the beautiful angels in heaven. Yes, truly, the Lord has heard her and has honoured her and her family, and surely goodness shall follow them, all the days of their lives.

Rejoice in the Lord always and again I say rejoice! WoOoHoOoo!!! :)

2003-08-30T22:24:00.000+08:00

A coincidence! I was just talking to him on ICQ and telling him how much I missed him and wanted to take a photo with him sometime. And I saw him today! And I got to see the someone special he was telling me about! Hehe...He really made my day...

That boy...*smiles and shakes head* When he doesn't smile, he looks like he deserves a beating. When he does, he charms the daylights out of you. Ahh...I've always treated him as a brother, someone to look out for, even though I must say that we have never been extremely close.

He has always been nice, encouraging me along the way in secondary school, and he has the most amazing ability to write and touch one's heart.

To this friend, thanks. I've always treasured that little friendship we have, how we pick up from where we left off each time we meet (online or in person...haha) Take care now...

Sighs, I think that going back to my secondary school has put me in a nostalgic mood.

2003-08-29T21:01:00.000+08:00

A Tribute.

That man. So pure, so simple, so sincere. He smiled. That familiar warmth. My heart melted. He always had the ability to make me feel at home. He didn't have to say much. All the heaviness I felt dissipated away. He understood what I was going through. He understood then, and I know he understands now. The cliches made sense coming from his lips. He put my perspectives right.

Mr Choy, you have been a blessing. You are more than a teacher, more than a mentor we all look up to. You are a friend. Your faith in me has allowed me to grow so much, in character, and more importantly, as a child of God. Your faith in the Heavenly Father is a model for me. Thank you for your encouragement to keep putting my trust in Him, even through such pressing times.

Sighs. I miss you Mr Choy! I miss my secondary school days.

2003-08-28T20:39:00.000+08:00

You will not believe the amount of stress you go through until you are in your A-Level year. I thought that I had been really anxious before my O-Levels, but now, it's worse. It's like the major major exam of your lifetime, and you either get into university, or wasted the entire 2 years of your life. I keep telling myself that no matter what, there will be options, and of course, I know full well that God has His wonderful plan and purpose for me.

But stress. Stress!! Stress is inevitable. And you start getting dragged into this horrible mood, where you don't feel like doing anything, except maybe to indulge in highly sinful food like chocolate or ice-cream. And this only worsens the problem because number one, you are not studying as much as you ought to, and number two, calories are being added to the system faster than they are being burnt.

Sighs. I'm really stressed. The littlest things irk me. When I'm tired and people don't give me room to be by myself to relax and to just unwind, I feel like crying. The Lord is my biggest comfort. I know that He listens to my deepest thoughts and understands. I know that He will help me tide through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but oh, the end seems so far away. When, oh when will I reach the end of the tunnel? My vision is blurring...

2003-08-27T17:46:00.000+08:00

I had fun in school today. Three of my friends decided to do a recording of a few songs for our beloved Geog teacher, the Mr Lee who was always so patient and kind, the one who never failed to encourage us, be it as our duties as student, or our roles as children of God. He was the one who told us 'gay' stories to amuse us, the one who got angry when we consistently didn't do our work, yet forgave us in a while. He was the one who crapped a lot in class, yet was the one who sparked off interest in Geog. Thank you our dear Mr Lee!

So yupyup, we went to the music room, and sang the songs - "Close to You", "I Will" (a class song...), "At the Beginning", "Friends" (Michael W Smith) and a song that is in his worship album. Yes, my teacher is a worship leader with his own worship album, and it has really touched our lives! Here's part of the song that we included in the recording...

Strength of Your grace
Keeps me alive
Heartbeat of joy
You are my only guide

Strength of Your grace
Stirs within me
To be all that I can
The way You want me to be

Keep me today in the strength of Your grace
Conscious of You, unconscious of me
I can do all things
In the strength of Your grace
Lead me Your way
I come now by faith
Surrendering all
In the arms of Your grace...

Beautiful song... :) Yeah, nothing much to update otherwise. Except, AHHHHH!!! Another week wasted! I've not done any work this week! Grr...I'm burning out...Help!!

2003-08-25T23:38:00.000+08:00

A friend's response to Saturday's entry:

So close, and yet so far away.
The words - don't!
Tumble out.
Instead, the tears
Glide gracefully,
Glistening shards of glass.
"Nothing." I lied.
A flicker - does he know? -

Smothered.
I strained to listen but
The words grew faint.
"Just tired," someone said.
Yes, tired.

To that dear friend, thank you...It means a lot that you share my pain to a certain extent, by bringing it out so beautifully. Truly, you are multi-talented, and yup, a great friend. :)

I gathered the shards
of glass.
The splinters scratch
the skin off my hands.
I don't stop.
As the tears fall,
I brush them away and
I hold on -
Tighter than ever.
Pained. Bloody.
I held on.
"I love you," someone said.
And I will hold on.

2003-08-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

I don't know where to start. Whatever I say may sound a little bitter and upset and cynical, but be assured. I have given it unto the Lord in prayer, and have just learnt a lesson.

I've realised why Christians can be so despised by the world. That's because we are hypocritical beings. I know that we aren't perfect, and that we have major major flaws. After all, it's because of these flaws that, all the more, we need the grace and love of our Almighty God, who by the blood of Jesus, forgave us our sins. But it's also because of these flaws that we stumble the people who don't believe. After all, if we don't act like we have the love of God in us, who will believe that it exists?

What happened, I won't pen down. I just pray so hard that as Christians, we all make it our top priority to live our lives pleasing to God.

Anyway, on a lighter note, YaY! My dearest cousin just lent me her prom dress from last year for my prom this year! Thanxxx my dear!!!!! :) Yupyup, so now I don't have to worry about what will look good on me, where to get a nice one, etcetc. This one looks okay on me I think! Just don't grow any fatter Eunice!

2003-08-23T19:59:00.000+08:00

So close, yet she felt so far away. Her eyes tried to avoid his, afraid that they would say it all - say that something might be the matter, say that she wasn't happy, say that she was frightened of him, say that she didn't feel loved. So close, yet so far away.

Their love story wasn't much. It happened all at one go. She thought their hearts had connected right there then. She blinked away the tears she felt were coming. That moment had been so beautiful. That moment, she had not expected, would blossom so, and now, wither so. She felt the beautiful moment slip out of her hands.

She desperately tried to grab hold of it. No, not between the fingers...Yes, the moment was gone. The tears wanted to flow. But why, she did not know.

For a split second, he noticed something was wrong. He thought he knew, but he did not. He did not know her as well as he thought he did. With a forced smile, she said she was tired. He nodded knowingly, but he knew not anything. Content with the excuse, he carried on talking, mostly about himself, about the world he lived in. Again, she felt so far away. Did she even live in his world?

2003-08-22T20:32:00.000+08:00

I felt like a little kid, walking home today, hands full of little goodies I had brought back from my little excursion. I went to the Meiji factory. Yes, I am a JC 2 student, and I went to Meiji for an excursion!

It was sooooo enjoyable! We were first made to put on silly looking gear like this shower-cap thingie, and little booties for our shoes, so we would be clean for the processing of food going on inside. Then, we were sent into this little blower to blow off dust and stuff off our bodies. And when we stepped out of the blower, the wonderful smell of biscuits hit us. It was amazing!

We watched, open-eyed and open-mouthed at the way those amazing machines packed biscuits into little packets, sealed them, weighed and rejected the too light or too heavy ones, then how the packets were chucked into a box, which was opened, flaps closed down one by one, then glued and sealed. Wow!!! I was so impressed by the machines!

And we got to walk past the conveyer belts which had tons and tons of Zooland biscuits travelling down, and we got to eat them, fresh, HOT out of the oven! And then there was the Hello Panda section, where we were shown how the chocolate is injected into the biscuits, and we got to eat even more!!

The tour ended with us filing into the shop and filling our baskets with Meiji products to buy. Yum yum. And we got to sample a lot of food in the shop!! Triple yum yum!!

But of course, the tour wasn't just fun fun and all...I really learnt lotsa Geog-related stuff and it really was an enriching trip! The goodie bag (yes, we got a goodie bag!!) and the slightly cheaper stuff we bought were just part of the bonus! :)

Oh, oh, oh!!! My hamster has given birth, AGAIN, to three more babies!! My brother was like, "Mei, didn't you teach them about family planning?!" Haha. So cute. Oh well.

2003-08-18T23:06:00.000+08:00

Just wanted to write down something my friend shared with me. He was telling me about how his aunty felt that she was called to go to Sydney to take Bible studies. And she did, with her husband, giving up almost all they had.

The amazing thing about his aunty is that she and her husband adopt babies who have parents who take drugs, so they are born addicted to drugs as well. Then, this wonderful couple, painstakingly bring the children up, injecting less and less drugs into them each day, until they are finally drug-free. How wonderful is that! It's amazing! And she had about 8 at one time, so imagine the loss of sleep nightly to take care of them! She gives them back to the parents once these children are drug-free, and she has 3 of her own. Wow. It's really very cool. I'm so impressed.

Ahh! I love kids. I wish I had the ability to do such things. It must take a lot, to love these babies, to nurture them, bring them up, and one day, maybe have to give them up. Wow. I salute her.

2003-08-17T20:50:00.000+08:00

God is great! Sing His praise, all the earth, all the heavens, cos we're living for the glory of His Name, the glory of Your Name!

God is truly great and yesterday, I experienced His marvellous hand at work. My good friend went up during the alter call. And I know that it was God's soft and gentle calling, and His wonderful planning right from the start. It was all His perfect timing.

I remember just about a week ago, I was singing "Reaching For You" all to myself. She was sitting next to me, and went "I think I know this song!!!" She did. And I had just found out that the people who composed that beautiful worship song were coming to town. Yeah, Hillsongs! And before you know it, we both arranged to go. It was a terrific time of worship.

If that good friend of mine happens to be here reading all this, *BiG BiG HuG aGaiN!* God is good and will always be. Even as you continue to grow in Him, and grow to love Him more and more, I pray you always remember this special day! I know I will! I have always been blessed by you, and your desire to love Him! :)

Yay! I'm so happy.

2003-08-13T20:16:00.000+08:00

Shhhh. Top secret. Spies. Terrorism. Riots. I visited the Internal Security Department today, their heritage center. I shall not go into details lest I divulge too much information...Haha. But wow, I was just thinking how stressful it is to be working as a spy, or whatever top secret jobs...

Imagine keeping it all to yourself, not able to share anything at all with your family! I was trying to picture myself trying to keep it all within me and I could only picture myself in tears, overwhelmed by too many secrets. Eeeks.

Anyway, Dan passed his Malay paper! So happy for him! Since he is now virtually uncontactable without his phone, I was pretty nervous all day. And he finally called in the evening to tell me the good news! Thank God! :) Woohoo!

2003-08-11T20:57:00.000+08:00

Today was pretty nice. Was waiting all day for the end of school so I could rush down to meet BRIAN. Haha. Or BENEDICT. BRIAN aka BENEDICT, if you are reading this now, you know who you are!

First things first, here's a message for you. To BRIAN/BENEDICT: Hey man! It was really nice meeting up with you today, roaming about and settling down for a nice, high-caloried snack! Anyway, yup, don't worry about it k? Will be praying for you. Sigh. The members of the opposite sex are totally baffling and I wonder why our hearts have to get entangled in various messes. :) But hang in there yah? When you decide what you're gonna do, fill me in k? And thanks for being so sweet about stuff, and for your prayers too! -HugZzz-

Hahaha.

My parents came back from their short weekend holiday. They left me all alone in Singapore. And now they're back. Arghz. Kinda miss the freedom...Haha...But oh well. Oh yeah, before I go, *totally in awe* Mrs M (my female mommy hamster) has learnt how to open the cage door!! Grrr!! Found her in the corner of the toilet, the toilet rug all chewed up. Grrr!!! Have transferred her into tighter security. Naughty Mrs M!

2003-08-10T18:07:00.000+08:00

Sigh. I wonder what's happening in my head. Everything feels like one big mess. I don't feel like I'm doing anything right at all, or have been the past 18 years of my life. Mr S.A. Tan, if this is the way you're trying to get me down and out, forget it. I will not be down and out. Because my Lord is going to be my strength and my song, and will make me joyfully victorious.

But yeah, I know that there are issues to settle, and these issues that are waiting to be settled are being messed up in my head by Mr Tan. God, I'm desperate for you to fill my life, that there would be no room for any thoughts that are not of you. Father, help me to release it all into your hands, and TRUST in you, and quit worrying about what might happen.

Lord, you first, everything else second.

2003-08-08T20:32:00.000+08:00

I spent my whole morning finishing THE BOOK. Wow. After I was done with it, I just had the spur to go out and get another copy for him. And I did. I wouldn't have known how to tell him about all the stuff I had read and processed, and I wanted to know how he would feel after reading the book himself. So I rushed out to get a copy. Went to Life Bookstore at Suntec, couldn't find it, so went over to Raffles Place to scout around, then went to Dhoby Gaut's Trumpet Praise. I knew I would get it there.

So yup, the copy is lying on my desk, staring at me. And a postcard lies beside it. What to say?

God, lead and guide me. Show me what's right, make me want to do what's right in your eyes, to seek to please you, all the days of my life.

2003-08-07T21:38:00.000+08:00

A friend lent me a book recently. She said she was too afraid to read it herself, so she'd let me try it out first, so I can convey the information to her later. :P What book is it? "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It talks about dating, from a Christian's perspective, and boy does Joshua have really radical ideas, that I must say I pretty much agree with.

Sighs. I'm half-convinced that I'm not ready to date. And it's quite scary. I mean yeah, there's so much stuff in the book. I was just telling God...Whoaa...I'll take it easy, take in bite sized pieces of the book, and work towards pleasing God in the relationship. Hope I can get another copy of the book so I can lend it to a certain someone. I think he'll have to read it soon.

To the swinging singles out there, rejoice in your singleness, and read this book before you get attached, just to prepare yourself. And for those who are attached, read the book and sit down and have a good think.

I'm still not done with the book yet. Will update further.

Here are some parts of the book I shall leave in my Blog...

7 Habits of Highly Defective Dating - 1. Dating tends to skip the friendship stage of a relationship. 2. Dating often mistakes a physical relationship for love. 3. Dating often isolates a couple from other vital relationships. 4. Dating can distract young adults from their primary responsibility of preparing for the future. 5. Dating can cause discontentment with God's gift of singleness. 6. Dating can create an artificial environment for evaluating another person's character. 7. Dating often becomes an end in itself. (Taken from Joshua Harris's 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye')

Hmm.

2003-08-06T22:13:00.000+08:00

Here's republishing some of the stuff from my old Blog...Just for memory sake...

...Was observing a bunch of chattering old aunties in the bus on the way home. Wow. It would take long before I reached that stage, probably (or hopefully) happily married, and hanging out with a bunch of as-happily-married-friends, and enjoying a retiree's life. By this point of time, the wrinkles that have gathered at the corner of their eyes, and at the ends of the mouth show that they have been through the trials and trials of life, trials and trials of the relationships with their husbands. Of course I don't mean that they're sorrow-free, but wow, to think they've endured through it all this while.

Just got me wondering. Wonder how long it will last. I think we need to grow up much more. - July 24

All were in complete shock. The atmosphere of grief and suppressiveness. Statistics we never believed or wanted to believe in had prevailed. Even as I recall receiving the news, I cannot help but shake. We were all shaken.

But thank God for those who stood strong amidst it all. Thank God for the prayers that covered each and everyone of the broken hearts. Thank God for wiping those tears away, and reminding us that He loves each and everyone of us to bits.

Father, I thank you that you are amidst us even through this tough time. God, you are sovereign. Our puny human minds cannot fathom what has happened, but you know it all. Hold us all close as we remember. Hold us close, O Lord, I pray. - July 25

Blessed be the Lord, in the land of the plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow,
Blessed be Your Name...

Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise...
When the darkness closes in Lord,
Still I will say!!!!

Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your Name
Blessed be the Name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious Name!

I love this song...And I know that amidst the darkness, God will prevail. That no way is that evil one gonna get a stronghold of my school. That He is sovereign and will be forevermore! Woohoo!

God is good. Yesterday, I was overwhelmed by depression and couldn't bring myself to do anything, couldn't even pray. I made myself sleep for about 2 and a half hours...And when I woke up, I knew I had to pray, so I did. At first, I couldn't bring myself to say anything at all, I just let those tears flow and flow. Finally, I opened my mouth and words flowed. I then played the guitar (I do it horribly, btw...Haha...) and sang worship songs, and He lifted my spirits, and brought me back to His side.

Blessed be Your Name! - July 27

...Let's start with the 3 little darlings. They're exactly like their parents, all white and light brownish. One of them is almost totally brown, except for its stomach I think. That one is called Shitake. And if you are smart enough to guess the other two names, yupyup, they are Button and Straw! Hahahaa...

As for the parents, I figured Mr. and Mrs. Mushroom would be fine (okay, so maybe they weren't ENTIRELY original...Dan's idea...), so the babies full names would be Button Mushroom, Shita...Okay, I'm sure you get the picture. But I thought it would be a little boring, so I gave the dad a first name. Called him Fungus. Don't know why, maybe because my friend's absolutely adorable Golden Retriever pup is called Angus. But yup, so there's my whole hamster family for you. Yay! - July 30

2003-08-06T21:48:00.000+08:00

Hiya! My FIRST entry in my NEW Blog cos the old one hasn't been working for some time now...This time, I did it all by myself. *SmiRk* Nice? Yupyup, leave a message the GrAFiTi WaLL kZz? And oh yeah, click on the screen to see a starburst!

~*PsALm 139*~

~PsALm 139~