Monday, November 24, 2003
I realised that I haven't blogged in an ultra long time...Almost a month!!! Wow!!! That's amazing...But now, I think there are other things online screaming for attention...Friendster, for example. My goodness. Those scheming people sure know how to invent stuff to make you stay online for hours...But hmm...it's really slow, for one thing...And I'm using cable. But it sure is exciting getting connected and realising how the whole world is connected! Wow!

Anyway, my exams are almost over, 'cept for the prac crit paper on Thursday. So for now, I'm pretty much slacking, though I'm hoping that I'll have the mood to sit through another 3 hours on Thursday. But wow, how time has flown by. Well, now that it's all almost over, here's a post-mortem of the exams...

For starters, I just want to thank God for being such a strong presence in my life all through the exams. Before the papers even started, He granted me tremendous peace for a good night's rest every night. (Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) Thank you Lord, for that peace that transcends all understanding! :)

The papers, I wouldn't say went extremely well. On the contrary, many papers were really bad. One such paper was the first lit paper I sat for. I cannot imagine a worst paper. I wouldn't exactly say that it was really bad, but I had a HUGE mental block, and I just say there writing and crumpling the paper up, writing and cancelling. It was horrible, and I remember so clearly my brain telling me to give up since I wouldn't be able to do well anyway, no matter what I wrote. But once again, I thank God for allowing me to persevere through it, and just finish it up. And it's all in the mighty arm of the Lord. Pass, fail, do well or not, no worries. Thank you Lord anyhow. And right now, right here, I say, that if I get anything more than a C for lit (after getting Cs and Ds all through the year...) it is nothing but God's grace. Of course, it's not to say that if I do worse, His grace is absent in my life...But yeah. Thank you Lord.

Talking about mental block, GP was another killer. Because of that mental block. Don't know what's with me and writing papers. I just blanked out. Didn't know what to write. But all through the paper, I remember that I was praying and praying, asking God to calm me down, and allow my pen to flow. I finished the essay in 40 minutes. How I did? I don't know.

Here I write, just to remind myself that God is good and has been all through the exams. I'm not expecting 4 As, all I want is that I have a good attitude towards whatever results I get. This is not preparation for the worse. This is faith, believing that God will grant me the results to take me wherever He has His plans and purpose for me. If I do much worse than expected, then may I praise and glorify His wonderful name as always. If I do much better than expected, then may I be humble and sensitive towards those who might not have done as well, and remember that foolish am I, but it is by God's strength and grace that I am made wise.
by ~me~ at 10:48 PM ©

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Saturday, November 01, 2003
For you. Thank you for being the little blonde boy.

A mimosa plant, I shy away when touched - instinctively. The dull green leaves that blend into the grassfield close into themselves, covering her face, hiding her from sight.

Is it safe? When will it be? The leaves unfold slightly, slowly, unsurely, until the attractive burst of pink is revealed. Her face smiles into the life-giving sunshine and she basks in its warmth and enjoys the moment, every bit of it.

Why give up any of this? why can't she be able to savour every second of the magical moment? A finger brushed across. She took refuge in the darkness of her soul. The icy cold tears flowed through the roots of her forlorn heart. She remained - unmoving.

The world around her was still. The children playing in the fields had gone. Their laughter was now replaced by the soft, sinister call of the wind. She shivered. She was alone again. Her thoughts screamed out at her and tormented her. She ached. In silence.

Her leaves felt limp. She was tired. She did not feel like having the sun shine into her face again. Yet, she knew she had to. That little boy - the one with the blonde hair that glowed a halo in the sun - he came to see her pretty flower every day. But each time, she disappointed him and made him sad when he bent over to gently stroke her.

"Little boy, little boy, I don't mean to make you sad. I don't mean to hurt you so. It's not fair that I shun away from your affections when all you've tried to do is love me and have done no wrong." Another icy cold tear rolled off her face. She never meant to be the cold, heartless plant she was. She wanted to be that bright cheerful sunflower who always shone in the rays of the sun, or the passionate velvet red rose who stood tall and confident in her beauty.

She sighed. Alas, she was merely the dull green weed, the world oblivious to her existence. "Little boy, if you might come back some day, oh, how I wish I need never have to hide my face from you...never again."
by ~me~ at 7:16 PM ©

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Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Studying has been crappy. I've been slacking quite a bit, discouraged almost to the max, not knowing how to move forward, can't bear to take a step backward to try to revise what I've already done before a billion times. I felt so stuck. But God has been good to me. He's given me a pillar of support, his warm hug when I needed it, a sweet word of encouragement, a physical presence.

But most of all, He's answered a prayer. A half-choking prayer as I cried out for help. Desperate. Stuck in a moment I could not get out of. I have been so down and out especially with Econs...It's my worst exam so far, and my last shot, and screwing it up sure wasn't fun. Just when I was about to just let things be, and do whatever I can (which isn't much...), someone handed me a TYS with model answers. I had been struggling with writing Econs essays and how to word them, what to include, and this was truly a gift from heaven. I know it doesn't sound like much, but to me, it means a whole lot and I know O Lord, You are here, watching out for me. Thank You, Heavenly Father.

by ~me~ at 8:46 PM ©

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Thursday, October 16, 2003
Ahhh. A night under the stars. A special night it was. There wasn't that funny fuzzy feeling (okay, perhaps there was, from the alcohol), no heart throb romance, no out of the world experience. But I like it that way. It was just the two of us, on his birthday, nothing else.

Dinner marked the start of the birthday celebration, with an extremely satisfying meal at Fish & Co. with his favourite CaLaMaRi...And plain ole fish and chips for us each of us. My goodness, the portion was humongous (is that how you spell it...?!) and I left lots of chips behind...Heh...

Then it was pubbing again for Eunice. Haha. At the nice cosy casual happy place - Harry's! Yupyup...He ordered a Blue Lagoon (though he was debating on Sex On The Beach or Screaming Orgasm for the hell of the names *rolls eyes*) and me, a Sangria (a cocktail with red wine, vodka and fruit juice...mixture contents, with compliment from my company for the evening...). It was that nice cosy casual happy place I gave him his gifts, and made him blow out a little candle on a cheesecake. :)

We took pictures. All over the place. Hehe. And we sat down by the riverside for a while...And just sat there, close by. And it was such a nice feeling. We're both not the world's most romantic people, and don't do all that silly mushy stuff, so when we say stuff, we mean it. :) And it was just that simple. Just being there by each other. It made all that difference to a normal stuffy night.

And now, the night has gone by, just like that. Happy birthday my dear. I really hope you enjoyed your birthday today.
by ~me~ at 11:06 PM ©

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Sunday, October 12, 2003
At a high? I hope not. I don't want it to just be a high. I don't want a roller coaster ride. I don't want mood swings. But of late, I think I've learnt a lot. I've learnt to appreciate him a lot more, to love him a lot more, to love him a lot more for who he is. And he's been trying really hard to satisfy me by improving on the little petty quirks that irked me. Looking back, I wouldn't say I regret picking out those bits in him because in the process, the both of us have learnt a lot. He will always be something that others are not. He will always have those little habits, the little mannerisms that I wouldn't be entirely happy with. Sure, there are guys out there who are a much better catch, I won't deny. But they are not the catch for me at least. Some look at him and think he's not good enough for me. Hey, who are you to judge. He's every bit human, every bit lovable, and I chose him. He may not write sweet nothings to me, he may not be that saccharin sweet honeybumkin that melts girls' hearts with his gentleness and thoughtfulness, but he's not bad. He is who he is. And learning more about him makes me love him more each day. What made me write this? I guess of late, he's been a real sweetheart. We prayed together over the phone, first for him and his parents, then for me and my results and stuff. And today, he gave me a little windchime he made and to me, it is the sweetest thing ever! Thank you my dear. I'm not saying that our relationship is from everlasting to everlasting. I'm not promising we will end up together forever. All I know, is that I will love you to the best of my ability, by God's grace. Thank you for doing the same with me.
by ~me~ at 8:54 PM ©

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Thursday, October 09, 2003
I think it still hasn't sunk into me yet. Maybe it's because we're still having lectures and stuff. I don't know. But today marks a significant point in my life. Farewell assembly. Goodbye school. Goodbye class. Hello A Levels.

My teacher is so sentimental. She's so sweet! :) We had our last Civics lesson today, and she got us all a piece of a jigsaw puzzle, a genuinely sincere note written at the back. Then we threw a ball of red yarn around as we talked about each others' good points, and got all tangled up. And we each got our bit of string, symbolising our blood ties. Ha. It was nice. She really is a sweet little thing. We were all commenting on how lucky her new husband is, probably getting all sorts of sweet romantic surprises and stuff... :)

But it all feels so mechanical. Going through the motions of farewell assembly. Writing about it now. I still can't believe it's all over. Just like that. Tears? Where are they? I remember at my Sec 4 farewell assembly, it felt mechanical too. I was sad, but tears just can't flow. Think my tear ducts are dry at the wrong time. Maybe I'm just insensitive. *Shrugs*

Taking photos today was simply fantastic though. I almost cleared a whole roll of film. I just took with almost everyone! A guy I took with...He's a good friend of mine, a confidante. He was so sweet...After we took a photo together, and we said our goodbyes, he had a saddish look on his face and said 'take care' as though I would never see him again. Sentimentality for you. But yeah, he's like a sweet lil bro to me... :)

There were people taking photos with cute guys and stuff...I guess at the end of it all, there's no harm in being a little more thick skinned and approaching those hotties in the school and taking photos for remembrance, though I wouldn't say it's my cup of tea. :P

I really don't know what this entry is for. Probably just a record. A mechanical record. It still hasn't sunk in.
by ~me~ at 9:26 PM ©

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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Ramblings of a teenager for

Eternity and eternity.

Sad, sorry tears

Under that quiet facade

Let loose. Let them flow!

Teardrops.

Sad, sorry tears.


Sighs. I'm so tired. So, so tired. I need a bout of endorphin, that my friend says comes from jogging. But my treadmill died on me again. After having been repaired, raised my hopes, and used by my mom and dad for just less than half an hour. It must have happened on purpose. Sighs.

Lord, you are my strength. You are my hope. I will praise you all the days of my life. I will praise you today.

"Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is any one happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven." - James 5:13-15




by ~me~ at 9:47 PM ©

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